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  • gianesotvez2

Self-doubts and other scary things

Where the struggle is real, and the pursuit of progress is relentless.

Something's off, and I'm stuck. I've been staring at page number 200 of new Sally Rooney's book for nearly an hour, desperately trying to keep my focus. But focus became an elusive butterfly that I just can't seem to catch.

I closed the book, determined to find some TED talk on mastering time or conquering the demotivation monster on YouTube. Choosing one felt like navigating a maze without a map. Frustration peaked. Couldn't pick one, so I just said, 'Screw it,' and closed my laptop.

Lately, this feeling of being frustrated and overwhelmed has become my unwanted companion.

I'm stuck in decision paralysis, wandering through life without a clear sense of direction. Despite my attempts to grind it out, focus remains an elusive creature. My thoughts go everywhere but where they should be.

Yet, there's this weird mix of feelings. On one hand, I recognise the need to be proud of my progress. Each day, I push myself a bit more than the day before, but still, there's this nagging feeling that nothing's ever quite enough. My work, my learning, my art, it all falls short. It's like sprinting in circles, drained but rooted in the same spot, at least this is how it feels.

Concentration is a rare commodity, and the fears and frustrations shadow my every move. I'm on this self-judgment spree, doubting my skills as an artist, a student, and just me in general. Perhaps a remedy lies in learning to navigate doubt, without stopping believing in myself as a professional and a talented creative. But that is easier said than done. Even though I want to believe so badly, deep down, I've got doubts. Fear of change grips me tightly.

It's a paradox, I yearn for growth, yet I get overwhelmed with the change that accompanies it. The battle between desire and doubt rages on.

Despite these paralysing emotions, one thing remains clear, I won't let this hold me back. I will keep working on my dreams, and believing in myself, scared or not.

And here's the truth, I should be proud. Proud of the battles fought, the fears confronted, and the progress made, no matter how gradual. The journey continues, and I'm determined to make the best of who I am, even if fear tries to hold me back.

I decided to be proud of the progress, no matter how slow.

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